Seven Ways to Unwind
by MotorbikeMaintainanceGuy
Summary: How do the Stargate characters unwind? A look at the SG1 characters..humourous hopefully and completely silly. Overtones of SJ & DanJan season 8ish...but Jan's alive
1. Teal'c's Methods of Relaxation

"Mr Teal'c, how do you unwind in your extremely stressful job of saving the universe and keeping Dr Jackson out of trouble?" asked the enthusiastic reporter from NBC news.

Teal'c looked at the man.

"I am unable to understand the question in its current phrasing," he said.

The reporter blinked.

"How do you relax?" he asked.

"Well, I have seven main ways. Firstly, I force my team-mates to watch Star Wars on a team-night, even though we had a Star Wars marathon the night before, although I am of the opinion that such a thing as too much Star Wars is not possible. Obviously, this tactic is not always successful, so my secondary plan is forcing them to watch science-fiction. My second way of relaxing is to kel-no-reem, a most rejuvenating exercise necessary for a warrior to be complete. My third way of relaxing is by training new recruits who do not generally know how to fight correctly. Fourthly, I am accustomed to speculating over Major Carter and O'Neill's relationship with Daniel Jackson, and by placing a gamble on said relationship. I am pleased to announce collecting over two hundred of your currency in winning these wagers. Fifthly, I arrange accidents for Daniel Jackson, so he is able to retain his customary bed in the infirmary. Unfortunately, many of these accidents befall Sergeant Siler, affording him also a bed in the infirmary. Sixthly, I scare away general staff of the SGC on any matter by looming, glaring, staring, making a joke, talking or just being there. And finally, I eat," replied Teal'c seriously (as always).


	2. How Dr Daniel Jackson unwinds

A/N: Thanks for your feedback! I forgot a disclaimer in the last chapter:

Disclaimer: I own nada. Nothing. Except the random reporter.

Thanks to: **_Darth Tater, Nikki, CrystalClear444, Soozeh, monstermunch3435 and generaljess _**for reviewing! Love you all! Have an imaginary chocolate biscuit!

**_Stargate-Luver_**; I will be doing this for Daniel (below), then Sam, then Jack, then Hammond, then Frasier…possibly Jacob, I need two more for him. Thanks for the interest!

The reporter blinked, apparently slightly concerned, but turned quickly to the next member of SG1.

"Dr Jackson, how do you unwind?" he asked.

Daniel smiled manically. "Well, my primary source of entertainment (I have seven) is working, translating you name it! Secondly, Sam and Jack. I mean them. That is, their relationship. I gossip about them. Then, I spread rumours, which is different from gossiping because gossiping is relating true stories – rumours are lies. Then, I start new betting pools; I have made fifty betting pools in the last eight years. Then I bet in the betting pools and ensure I win. This provides me money to bet in other pools, like the one about me and Janet, which I ensure take place. That's my first five unwinding techniques. Then I get injured in accidents. Then I get girlfriends from other planets, or even this one if it is a particularly dry spell and they go all evil on me and want to kill me," replied Daniel.


	3. Sam Carter settles down

A/N: Hi everyone. Don't own them. Bye.

Thanks to: **_CrystalClear444, Nikki and Soozeh_**,

**_Darth Tater_** – thanks for your idea! I didn't actually write that, but I have a similar reference :P Great minds mate.

**_Deamon Fire_** – Firstly, thanks for both the reviews. I got your first one just after I posted the second chapter, so sorry bout that. I think you might be missing the point – these are meant to be stupid and out of character. They're a laugh, nothing more.

The reporter hurriedly turned to Carter.

"Major, how do you unwind?" he asked.

Sam smiled angelically, and the reporter smiled back thinking he finally had a sane person.

"Well, firstly, I backwards engineer alien devices. Then, I invent a new device. Then I do reports. Then, I do experiments. If I'm really desperate, I run diagnostics. Then, I provide rumours for the grapevine by smiling at my CO and brushing our fingertips together when I pass him the ketchup and when we have compromising positions offworld, and then I come up with the next lot of plans, A, B, C, D and E for saving the world, and the universe. Yeah. That's what I do," she said.


	4. Jack O'Neill chills

Thanks to **_Darth Tater_** and **_Nikki_** for your support!

**_Deamon Fire:_** I can't tell you how nice it was for you to concede the point; so many people today just continue arguing. Yeah, my point is that _how _Sam and Daniel relax…is they work. The C4 was ironic, as it does feature in Jack's things to relax, although it is slightly different. I thank reviewers who tell me they enjoy it, but where people ask direct questions, I try to respond, no matter whether they are anonymous or not. Yours wasn't a direct question, but I did want to try to make sure that you got the point of the stories. Thanks for the interest!

**_Soozeh:_** Thanks for reviewing now! I'm glad you liked Daniel's chapter!

**_Trinitystargazer3:_** Thanks for your suggestion. I might use it, in which case I will reference you accordingly.

On with the story!

The reporter shook his head, before offering the mike to O'Neill.

"Well, I stare, daydream and think about Carter. I like pie. Pie is good. So is cake. And beer. I also enjoy acting gruff and mean and completely stupid. I enjoy blowing things up with C4 and saving the universe because I was (quote Daniel) lucky enough to blow the right rock, heh, he'll never know luck had _nothing_ to do with it! I think of new ways of killing Pete. Then I watch Simpsons, and try to get Carter to watch them. Then I drink beer," said Jack, staring at Carter obsessively.


	5. General Hammond takes a break

A/N – Don't own them.

Thanks to my loyal reviewers **_Darth Tater, Nikki, Soozeh_** and**_ CrystalClear444. _**

**_Deamon Fire:_** Just to keep that fuzzy-w…I mean, happy feeling…;) Thanks for your suggestions, I shall probably use one or two of them.

The reporter was extremely scared as he turned to General Hammond.

"Well, I'm the boss, so I shouldn't really be doing any of this…okay, well, I bet on Sam and Jack like every other person in the SGC. I'm also called upon to give weekly briefings to my mate Hayes – I mean, the President, on Sam and Jack so _he_ can bet… then, I fill out crisis reports on SG1 and request another batch of medical supplies cos Daniel and Siler keep using em up. Then I look at pictures of my granddaughters, handle universe crises – that's why my head always looks shiny, cos of the sweat. I like my shiny head." Said Hammond, gently stroking said shiny object.


	6. CMO Dr Janet Frasier destresses

A/N Don't own them.

Okay, updates will probably be a bit slower now, because I hadn't anticipated the response, so I had actually only written SG-1 and Hammond and half of Janet's. I will try to keep updating as long as I'm assured that what I am writing is half-decent, as I hate it when people don't 'quit while they're ahead' and ruin the entire story. I will let you all know when I do decide to stop, but I hope that won't be soon ;)

**_Deamon Fire_** – I'm sorry. ;). Thanks for the review…

**_Deamon Fire_** and **_Knightgirl4Jack_** – I'm afraid that even I, with my great capacity for fillers (that is, meaningless crap that you stuff in an essay) cannot keep this story afloat forever. Janet, Jake/Selmak, Felger, MacKenzie and Walter and Siler are the only ones I could do…and don't quote me on the last few.

Thanks to my wonderful reviewers; **_CrystalClear444, Padfoot n' Moony, Mockingbird, Darth Tater, Bekki Beekeeper (×2), Nikki, anner87, Soozeh,_** and **_Trinitystargazer3_**.

The reporter inwardly winced as he turned to CMO Dr Janet Frasier. Surely a medical doctor…

"Well," she said. "To answer your question, Cass has always helped me de-stress. She's my gorgeous, wonderful daughter. I mean, nothing could be more enjoyable than sitting with her, a hot chocolate each, gazing into the fire on a cold winter's night-" the reporter thought that this was great! Maybe just parts of each of them…but his hopes were crashed as the esteemed Doctor continued.

"Writing rumours for the grapevine on various people, and hatching various plans to get Sam and Jack together…all getting crazier as more hot chocolate is consumed…I think our best one was tying them together facing each other so – I don't think I'll detail any more. Ummm…yeah, that's two. I also enjoy Dan– Doctor Jackson coming to the infirmary. He's good look- good at conversing. Being a Napoleonic needle-wielding warmonger is also good. Confiscating things from Colonel O'Neill is also good. Chocolate. THAT is good. And, oh! How could I forget? Betting on Sam and Jack of course."

I honestly didn't like that one much…I thought it was rather…poor. I find silly Janet hard to write, cos she's a more serious character. Ummm…any suggestions for more stories would be great; Jacob and Selmak (done separately) are up next so yeah…

Leave a suggestion in a review and it could come up here:D ;)


	7. Jacob and Selmak calm down

A/N – Don't own them. Not making any cash. Deamon Fire suggested doing Jacob and Selmak separately. Darth Tater suggested the whole 'Sam Jack' subplot (not the betting, that is, I own that) so thanks guys!

Wow, thirteen reviews! Thanks everyone!

**_CrystalClear444_** – maybe…Anise…hmmm…that has definite possibilities…

Thanks to: **_Trinitystargazer3, pand_** (×3)**_, lia-fin, Bekki Beekeeper, Nikki, Soozeh, Knightgirl4Jack, supershipper, Darth Tater_** and **_Deamon Fire_**

The reporter was almost visibly cringing as he hesitantly turned to Jacob of the Tau'ri and Selmak of the Tok'ra. Not only were they…part alien? But they were bound to be certifiable too. The reporter was not disappointed.

"Well, son, this is Jacob speaking," said the portly retired General. "And I like doing that. Makes me sound This is Jacob Carter, retired General speaking on behalf of himself and his alien … umm … 'friend' Selmak, who lives in his head. I need to rehearse that…"

Eyes flashed and a metallic sounding voice said:

"This is Selmak of the Tok'ra. Jacob was about to go on another of his sanity lapses. A side effect of the bonding I'm afraid…sanity lapses…they are fun to experience, as you sit there and watch the Green Fairy singing 'The hills are alive…with the sound of music!' I enjoy being circumspect when talking to Tau'ri, and placing bets on Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill without Jacob's knowledge. I mean, there _are_ things I don't have to share with him…thank goodness, otherwise I'd have R-rated memories being called for during important briefings…Jacob would like to speak."

"Yeah, Selmak has some really HOT memories like the time when she and her host K- "

"Selmak again. Yes, Jacob has some dirt which I don't particularly want to have spread around the galaxy. Back to calming down techniques; in addition to the two I said before, I enjoy setting Anise/Freya on various cultures…she's such a sl- conniving little girl. I also enjoy being on 'missions' cos it makes us sound really rebellious, but we mostly sit around and eat and talk with a few old friends… Not letting Jacob drink coffee is amusing as well, to see how he reacts. It's amazing how dependent you Tau'ri _are_ on coffee! And winding Colonel O'Neill up is very amusing. But the main one I'd say would be convincing Jacob that Sam and Jack should be together-"

Jacob abruptly took control.

"NO! I will not accept it! My smart, nice little Sammie-wammy could NEVER be with horrible, mean, nasty, C4 loving Jack O'Neill, the Irish bast- scumbag. That brings me to the third thing that relaxes me – thinking up ways to kill Jack. Or Narim. Or Felger. Or McKay. Or any guy – yes Martouf, that includes YOU who looks at my Sammie twice. Fourth thing – ways to torture Jack O'Neill. And to kill him – wait, I already said that didn't I? Hmmm…annoying Sam by being an overprotective father is always good fun, and embarrassing her by telling amusing anecdotes about her youth always yields an argument. Defying Selmak is always good, for the same reason. Now, the inter-galactic betting pool/grapevine is ALWAYS such fun…betting not just on the SGC, but on which loser Anise/Freya will sleep with next, Thor's newest catastrophe, and the poll on whether or not Anubis has a huge pimple on his butt…"

Having _finally_ retrieved seven, the reporter yanked the microphone away from that nutty general. And gulped as he saw the next person in line…


	8. Cass bludges

Thanks to: **_CrystalClear444, Darth Tater – no, sorry, I don't watch Atlantis enough, Bekki Beekeeper, Deamon Fire, Knightgirl4Jack, Soozeh, Nikki, stargate-princess_**

Even the reporter's teenage daughter _had_ to admit that this person was going a bit over the top. Cassandra Frasier, adopted daughter of the CMO of the SGC, also alien survivor, was wearing a hot pink and black mini skirt, fluorescent green stockings, a tight black shirt with "I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem" written on it, and big hoop earrings. And a pink, black and red bandanna. Maybe she had been slightly overexposed to teen culture.

"Well, like, obviously, like, I totally dig bludging! Cos, like, I'm a teenager, and that's like what we do. Oh My God, am I seriously going to be on TV? Wow that is like, totally RAD!" _Oh. My. God. _Thought the poor reporter.

"Well, I mostly bludge by dating weird random guys Jack doesn't like. Winding Jack up is so much fun! Thinking of ways to get Sam and Jack together and ABSOLUTELY **_HUMILIATING_** Pete is soooooooooooooooooo cool. I love it when mum takes me to the base, cos everyone spoils me and gives me the essence of life – chocolate! I LOVE CHOCOLATE! Well, that's like four, I have to think of seven – oh yeah! Plotting to get mum and Daniel together – mum SO has a crush on him, it's SO funny. Did I mention chocolate? Teal'c is soooo cool, cos our movie nights ROCK! We like sit there, and watch soapies and stuff, and T cries, and he shows me how to put on makeup, because he's so good at the eye stuff."

As soon as Cassie had reached what could possibly be termed seven (although chocolate was mentioned twice) the reporter stuck the microphone out for the next person.


	9. Thor

Hellooooo ladies and germs…

I'm back! Sorry about the insane gap, but I had a brain wave and had to do Thor. At random odd intervals, I may continue to add chapters, but like I said way back in ?February? March? my workload seems to have tripled, and I'm trying desperately to stay friends with my friends – i.e. actually _seeing _them.

Damn medical courses to hell. Jack

The reporter blinked. Another alien. Except…this one was grey. And very very _very_ small.

"Greetings, Reporter from NBC of the Tau'ri," said the grey alien impassively.

The reporter swallowed.

"I am Thor, Supreme Commander of the Asgard."

_Blink. Swallow. Stare._

"I have heard you putting your question to the others, and wished to contribute to your scientific survey."

_Blink. Swallow. Stare. Jaw drop._

"The thing that most puts me to ease is planning universal domination domination. You see, puny human, you don't understand how…gratifying being worshipped on many planets is!" Thor laughed maniacally, and it was all the reporter could do to stop himself from running as fast as he could in the opposite direction. Thor suddenly starting coughing badly, and still spluttering, he resumed:

"I also enjoy ordering Loki to perform experiments. Experiments are good. I am planning one right now for the propagation of Major Carter by O'Neill. After I do that, I bet in the global betting pool on such topics as: "Is Ba'al afraid of the dark?" and "When will O'Neill and Carter finally get together?"

Contrary to popular belief, the Asgard do need to excrete. Our waste is ejected over Earth's atmosphere, so the next time it snows…hehehe….it's not _really_ snow, you pathetic humans! Now, that is enjoyable, especially when people melt the 'snow' to drink.

And I very much enjoy Hollywood and their stars, although I really think that that Katie Holmes could have done _much_ better than that wanker Tom Cruise! And, oh my god – "

A beam of bright light whisked Thor away; right in front of the reporter's stunned eyes.

Another bright beam of light, and another alien stood there. (At least, the reporter thought it was another alien.)

"The Asgard apologise. Supreme Commander Thor suffers from schizophrenia and needs his therapy due to the cloning. Good day."

With that, the Asgard slipped away…


	10. Conclusion

A/N – Hey everyone! Sorry that I haven't posted, but it has been a crazy few weeks. I was trying to write a chapter on Thor, but due to me being stupidly overcommitted I honestly haven't had a chance. Exams are also starting – or at any rate, the instructors are threatening exams. So, this is the last chapter for now. I just didn't want to leave you hanging. If you want to write a few more, or an Atlantis one, send me a message and reference me accordingly, that's great.

Thanks as always to: **_Knightgirl4Jack, Soozeh, Nikki, Bekki Beekeeper, Darth Tater, Deamon Fire_** and **_CrystalClear444_**

Okay, so the reporter wasn't exactly thrilled with this whole "I know you can interview staff of the SGC" craze. That is, not as much as he was when he first got the assignment, when he had naively jumped for joy – literally.

After Teal'c's reaction, which he could pass off as "alien", the others were even worse! Teal'c was even _better_ than some of them.

He just couldn't understand _how_, _why_ or _when_ any of these nutters had gotten into the planet's front line of defence. I mean, how the HELL had Hammond made it through the psych evaluation to even get _into_ the goddamn Armed Forces, LET ALONE being the commander of the SGC?

As for Daniel, and Sam, well they just needed to get lives. Seriously, having a certifiable gambling problem just isn't cool in a front-line archaeologist / diplomat. And, well, he was sure _somewhere _it was written that overworking was bad for you.

Jack needed to get a sex life, and the reporter thought that it might be best if that life was with Sam. It's called breaking the rules, hello?

Okay, he was SO glad Doctor Frasier wasn't his doctor. And that Jacob and Selmak – or either of them – did not live on the same planet as him. As for Cassandra…well… let's just say he was delighted that he was divorced and _his_ daughter lived with his ex-wife – in Australia.

And Thor…nothing needed to be said about that schizophrenic, power-wielding maniac…

Declining any more interviews, the reporter ran to the relative safety of his car, and sped off as fast as humanely possible away from the SGC.


End file.
